CHAIRS AND
RUGS If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug
is available, shag is good.
DOORS Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door
opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once door is opened,
it is considered bad form to go through it. After you have ordered
an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain,
snow, and mosquito season.
GUESTS Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit
on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n'
Glop" on your breath.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing,
select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example:
white furred cats should go to black wool clothing.
For the guest
who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws
to clothing or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking among the
dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt
when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the
table when company isn't here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
WORK If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, but is known
to humans as hampering.
Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking,
sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby
stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's
eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it
is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded.
Your human will appreciate
a home-made toy! C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the
lap of the knitter and pretend to doze.
Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or grab the yarn
in your mouth. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball
of yarn, but don't be fooled by this manoeuvre. Remember, the aim
is to hamper work.
PLAY Play is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so
you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o'-the-hill on their
bed between 2 AM and 4 AM.
MOST IMPORTANT Begin people training early. You will then have
a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They
can be taught if you start early and are consistent. Good luck!
